...reclamation

...throughout this year ...well since May at least I can best describe how it has been as being like a passenger in another world; in someone else's life. There was somehow something of me lost. I was trying to become someone else. Act out a different role; be a different character. I know what works for me; what makes me tick .....and I found myself losing, or contemplating losing, things that were important to me. This wasn't I hasten to add due to the other person putting any sort of embargo on things but more a self inflicted exile of 'new relationship, new way'. There has been little music, little running.... again through my own fault - but I'd argue not out of conscious choice but possibly out of an unconscious desire to manufacture another me as I felt I needed to be a different me n this new relationship. The reality is I probably didn't need to be but I felt it......

the result was a feeling of loss and emptiness. As for the life I had I watched from the side lines as it's path emerged with some envy. While I know it wasn't it appeared settled as it was familiar to me. Even though that life is now in a different place, physically - their new house - as that is familiar and somewhat lost to me is still there.

I feel I need some sort of reclamation. Step 1 was to do parkrun on New Years Day - and despite being full of flu and doing my worst time ever - some 6 minutes slower than previous worst times - I needed to do it with the parkrun crew. Step 2 - haircut to get rid of this mop of hair that just exists on my head. Step 3 will be tomorrow when I see me longest serving friend in the world who I'm sure will listen and nod sagely and make me feel ok about things.