.....soul hole?

I was a christian, or at least a version of a christian, for 20 years of my adult life. In my 30's I decided that it didn't add up and that was a cathartic experience. I became a reductionist feeling that everything was attributable to the chemicals in my body reacting with each other. Emotions and feelings were simply manifestations of inner body chemistry. To an extent I still believe this but that doesn't stop us having to deal with the 'output' of that. No matter whether it is our soul or the chemicals within us we still experience something and that something is very real. Faith, or at least the involvement in faith based activity, was very important to me.

As I look back on my life journey that has brought me to 48 years what I begin to realise is that, while I have no desire to go back to faith in something unseen, the loss of faith has left a massive hole in my soul, in my life, in who I am.

The church has given me many things that I am grateful for - many of my values, the confidence I now have, friends that I cherish - and in leaving it something needs to replace that. And I think for many years (the decision to walk away from Christianity was in my 30's - so at least 10 years) I have searched to replace that with another 'religion' and I think I am emerging to find one. It's not to be found in the self centred approach of I can do what I want when I want - we're all just animals, we're all just chemicals - but rather in the creation of a centred, mature, balanced, at peace inner self that impacts on the outward expression of my being rather than my outer being influencing my inner self. If the outer influences the inner then I feel that leads to an imbalance - to feelings of anxiety, stress, low mood, anger. When the inner influences the outer, when you are at one and at peace with yourself - inside - then the outer is more measured, less susceptible to the vagaries of what life throws at it - and indeed what we throw at ourselves in the name of 'life'.

I guess that inner self is our soul - and it needs created, filled, replenished, nourished, cherished - for only with inner peace is outer peace found.